i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
