spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
