When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
