If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
