I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
