Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
