You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
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When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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