haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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