I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
