My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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