there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
