You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
