sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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