I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
