Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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