just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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