I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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