Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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