She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I need a burrito and a hug.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
