Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
