Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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