Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
