I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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