I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
