C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
