You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
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We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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