i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
do herpes really smell.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
