if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
