guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
