She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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