I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
