I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
