Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
