Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We got so high we made milksteak
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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