If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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