Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
