I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
