We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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