he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
