shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
