Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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