he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
