my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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