Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
