I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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