apparently the secret to your success is patron
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
