It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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