JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
