I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
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Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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