I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
