Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize