Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
