She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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