Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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