WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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