i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
